Who's Under the Mask May Surprise You

My daughter, Jill, is excited over the 2010 prom theme - Masquerade Ball.

First, I've been advised, we must shop for the dress so that we may shop on-line for the perfect mask. As I listened to her plans, all I could hear within my head was "CaChing!"


Last year was her first prom and I was in disbelief on how expensive it was. We're considered comfortable, so I truly felt for the parents of lower income families. First we bought a dress that required a specific petticoat and then a full body lingerie piece was an item she just had to have and it still required a specific bra. Then there were shoes, hosiery, nails, hairstyle, jewelry, a purse, her share of the limo, boutonniere, ticket price, dinner money . . . and I'm sure I'm forgetting something. CaChing, CaChing, CaChing!

By prom night Danny and I were broke!

What I do appreciate about the group my daughter runs with, all coming from different income families, they each pay their own way except for the corsage and boutonniere. In my day, the young man paid for everything once you walked past the threshold of your own front door. This was considered proper etiquette. I welcome what her friends have chosen to follow so no student is left out. What is spent, using today's protocol, is between the students and their parents.

All of this brings me back to this year's prom theme. My father worked for the Church for 33 years and many life lessons came from not what I learned in Sunday school or church services, but from my Dad's own experiences from working directly with people of all ages, racial backgrounds and economic standings. He had a term for the people who were in their pew every Sunday morning, rain or shine, yet during the week were the most selfish, unsympathetic, and judging human beings. He referred to them as the (Sunday morning) Mask Wearers.

You may be questioning my father's decision to share such stories with me and I want to preface this by saying he never mentioned names. My life lessons were mostly taught during road trips to visit relatives in Arkansas or Sunday afternoon drives through the country, where we ended up at Dairy Queen for a chocolate dipped ice cream cone. I would propose various scenarios and listen to my father's take on each. Several surprised me like (note: I was a teen in the 60's and early 70's when you didn't know if you should call someone colored or black without being offensive and abortion was a major topic in the news), "Would you approve of me marrying a black man?" and "Would you allow me to have a baby out of wedlock?"

Getting back to the story, my father showed dismay and disappointment when he was giving me the Sunday morning mask lesson. I could tell faces of people he once trusted, maybe even admired & valued their opinion were swimming in his thoughts as he talked. Dad could be as opinionated as the next, yet you always knew where he stood on a subject - he was never wishy-washy or two-faced, like many mask warriors, oops, I mean, wearers.

It may appear as if Dad's opinions were staunch or steadfast. Not true. The best lesson I learned from him was not to judge someone unless you've walked in their shoes.

It's easier said than done, right?

Grieving is something a cancer patient needs to work through in order to completely heal. I've seen both a 5 and 7 step process of grieving. I'm following the 7 step as I find the extra steps are as important to my healing process as the other 5. And I prefer the 7 Stages of Healing opposed to Steps, and they are:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

A website I found helpful: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Grief is not just from losing a loved one or dealing with someone who may or may not be terminally ill.

It can be for someone who is forced into retirement or can't play their beloved golf due to health issues. Grief should be dealt with or bitterness and resentment can take over your life by thrusting your body into overdrive, often with harmful results.

I'm working through Stage 4. It's a daily struggle, but I'm overcoming a little bit at a time. I'm on an anti-depressant and may even up the dosage until I've "overcome".  I'm reflecting day in and day out (and often in my dreams) - I've thought of so many acts of accomplishments and disappointments over my 56 years. . . even remembrances from childhood and other surprising thoughts just surface from nowhere. The from "nowhere" recollections, I take as a sign and I try to learn from each. And, the loneliness can be misinterpreted because I do have a loving family and loyal friendships that sustain me. Yet, I've been surprised by others in my life. . . . .which sends me back to stages 1, 2, & 3!  Yet, this too, I shall overcome.

Yes Dad, I've witnessed some masks, but only a few. I've always been one to try and find the best in everyone, so my mask revelations, especially when it directly involves me, is disheartening and disappointing. It's difficult at times, but I do try not to judge and to make sense of someone's bewildering behavior.  I try to understand what triggered their actions and dismiss the rest.  This has backfired on me on several occasions, even recently. . . . but, I've learned so much about myself in the process.  I like who I see in the mirror each morning.

I hate the thought of disappointing anyone and in trying to please so many for so long did backfire on me. Another hard lesson I've learned is that I asked for help that was not heard.  It's not their problem they weren't listening, but mine that I didn't articulate what exactly was needed. Or, when you don't succeed at first, try, try again.  I'm wiser today.

The Good Lord and I both know I'm not perfect. . . . Oh my goodness, far from perfect!

. . . . Which leads me to the expression (without making excuses by all means), “If we were all perfect how boring would life be?"  Dad may have used this expression, I can't remember; however, it allows us, each and everyone, to know we aren't perfect and aren't expected to be.  If someone seeks prefection at all times, especially from you, try to walk in their shoes and ask yourself what is it that makes them so hard on themselves and those around them.  It doesn't excuse their behavior, yet you can love and appreciate them for what they may offer. . . which is, by the way, not perfection.

Yes, I’m in Stage 4 and progressing everyday!  And, thank you Lord, for these and all lessons - I choose to and will be better for them.

Next: Going Postal